FADE IN:

EXT. HOUSE - EAST HAMPTON, NEW YOrk - night

PRICILLA GOODWIN, early thirties, stands in front of a white frame house that could be on the cover of "Home Beautiful."

With her reindeer sweater and her snowflake embroidered scarf, Pricilla could pass as Martha Stewart's daughter.

pRICILLA

Let there be light.

Pricilla throws a switch. The whole world seems to light up as thousands of white Christmas lights blink on, illuminating a fresh blanket of snow. It's almost blinding.

Every bulb has been hung with care around the windows, rooftops, and branches. Not one strand is out of place.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

Doesn't that look magnificent? If you really want your home to stand out this holiday season, use the white bulbs. The multi-colored ones are so tacky.

Pricilla admires the blinding spectacle one more time.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

Next week, we'll learn how to make a low fat holiday eggnog that will warm the heart without adding the pounds. Until then, remember you too can be a domestic diva.

She gives a wink and a rosy cheeked smile.

director (O.S.)

Cut.

Pricilla's smile instantly fades. She lights a cigarette.

pRICILLA

This sweater makes me look fat. Where the hell's Didi?

An entire camera crew scurries around like an army of ants.

Pricilla's assistant DIDI CONNER, mid-twenties, shuffles over with a clipboard. She wears a sweatshirt that has a picture of Pricilla on it that says "I Love the Domestic Diva."

didi

Great show.

pRICILLA

Quit kissing ass. Status report.

Didi stiffens up and checks her clipboard.

dIDI

You're meeting with Barbara Walters tomorrow to talk about the wedding. Also, the network called and said the show's being picked up in Thailand.

Pricilla pulls Didi behind the Three Wise Men in her outdoor manger scene.

pRICILLA

(Whispering)

No. I mean what did you find out about Mrs. Jansen's house? Does it look good?

didi

She has some tasteful berry and crab apple wreaths, but she put a cheap, plastic Santa and reindeer on the roof.

pRICILLA

Plastic Santa? A fatal error. I'm a shoe in to win the contest again this year.

dIDI

But Wanda Holden's house...

pRICILLA

Wanda wouldn't know what's tasteful if it bit her in the ass.

Pricilla looks at Didi's watch.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

How much time do we have?

dIDI

Twenty five minutes. They should be landing now.

pRICILLA

Get the crew out of here.

Pricilla watches the film crew trampling all over the snow in her front yard. She flicks her cigarette at the carrot nose of a well made snowman near the front bushes.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

Fix this snow. I want it looking perfect when the President arrives.

Pricilla struts through her front door into the warm glow of the house. Didi grabs a nearby pimple-faced PRODUCTION ASSISTANT.

dIDI

Get the snow making machines out here on the double. Ms. Goodwin wants a fresh blanket of snow for the President.

PRODUCTION Assistant

(Yells out to entire crew)

Snow machines.

A small army of men drag two huge snow making machines onto the front lawn. They switch them on, and a perfect blanket of new snow begins to accumulate over the trampled, dirty snow.

EXT. EAST HAMPTON AIRPORT - NIGHT

A crowd of newspaper reporters and photographers wait on the tarmac as a helicopter bearing the Presidential seal touches down. The camera bulbs begin to flash.

The door opens. Senator ALLEN WHITEFIELD, mid thirties steps out and gives the reporters a wave. With his chiselled features, he could have just as easily become a film star.

He's followed out by First Lady KATHERINE WHITEFIELD, late fifties. Hardly a wrinkle on her. Eighteen year old boys would drool.

Finally, President JACK WHITEFIELD, early sixties, struts out with the confidence of a quarterback. He's all smiles.

JACK

(To the reporters)

It's good to be back in East Hampton. I'm looking forward to a little relaxation.

REPORTER #1

Mr. President. With the wedding only a few weeks away, will the White House be ready?

Jack puts his arm around Katherine and beams at Allen.

jACK

Absolutely. Our son deserves the wedding of the century, and that's just what he's going to get on Christmas Eve.

reporter #2

Senator, how does it feel to be the future husband of America's Domestic Diva?

Allen

It feels great. Maybe after we're married I'll take her to Washington to clean all those dirty Democrats out of the Senate.

Laughter from the crowd. A limo pulls up. The family gives one last wave to the cameras before getting in.

INT. LIMO - NIGHT

Jack closes the door. The limo starts to move. Katherine immediately searches the mini bar for a drink.

jACK

Jesus. I just signed a Middle East treaty, and all they care about is your god damn wedding.

aLLEN

It's good publicity.

jACK

A daughter of a Republican governor would be good publicity. Little Miss Manners is a joke. She's a glorified housewife.

Katherine opens a travel sized mini bottle of Jack Daniels and chugs it.

kAtherine

I like Pricilla.

jACK

You would.

aLLEN

Come on dad. There's nothing more boring than a politician's daughter. Pricilla's fun.

jACK

Fun doesn't get you to the White House.

The limo windows light up with a blinding light and the car slows to a stop. Jack, Allen, and Katherine are mesmerized by what they see outside.

EXT. WANDA HOLDEN'S HOUSE - night

Crowds of people swarm to get a look at the shabby Victorian house. The name on the rusted mailbox reads "Holden."

Tacky Christmas decorations cover every square inch of the house and front yard. It's an obscene Christmas nightmare.

There are giant styrofoam candy canes surrounded by plastic elves, a creepy mechanical Santa that waves one arm, and sagging strands of colored bulbs blinking everywhere.

INT. LIMO - NIGHT

Allen and Katherine stare at the spectacle in horror.

jACK

Now that's how a true American decorates for Christmas.

INT. Pricilla's Living Room - night

Pricilla now wears a sweater with a huge American flag stitched across the front. She polishes one of four identical trophies that rest on the mantle of the fireplace.

Each trophy has a gold Christmas tree on top, and an inscription on the bottom that reads "Best Christmas Decorations for the Town of East Hampton."

She's won four years straight. There's a space in the middle for a fifth trophy.

Didi trudges in looking like a frostbite victim. She's shivering head to toe.

dIDI

They're coming up the driveway.

Pricilla notices Didi's dripping shoes.

pRICILLA

Don't tell me you walked across the Persian rug in those shoes.

Didi eyes the roaring fire behind Pricilla.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

Nothing we can do now. How do I look?

dIdi

Very patriotic.

pRICILLA

Good. Go warm up the car. Contest starts in thirty minutes.

Pricilla straightens herself in the mirror. The doorbell rings. It chimes the first verse of "Jingle Bells."

INT. PRICILLA'S ENTRY WAY - CoNTINUOUS

Pricilla walks to the door. She takes a deep breath.

pRICILLA

(To herself)

You are the Domestic Diva. Everybody

loves you.

She opens the door to find Jack, Allen, Katherine, and some secret service men. Hugs and air kisses all around.

PRICILLA (CONT'D)

Jack, congratulations. I heard about the Middle East Treaty.

jACK

Let's hope they keep their word this time.

pRICILLA

If you really want long lasting peace in the Middle East, there's only one thing you can do.

jACK

What's that?

pRICILLA

Re-decorate. Those Middle East countries are so ugly. And those mosques could use a woman's touch. I could have an episode called "Mosque Makeovers." It'd be great for ratings.

Allen grabs her by the arm.

aLLEN

Could I talk to you for a minute sweetie?

pRICILLA

Who knows. Maybe I'd even win the Nobel Prize.

aLLEN

Pricilla, now.

PRICILLA

(To Jack and Katherine)

I just love it when my little legislator lays down the law.

Allen drags Pricilla away.

INT. prICILLA'S gREENHOUSE - NIGHT

Pricilla's greenhouse is a botanist's wet dream. It's a lush jungle of every type of fern, flower, and funky plant.

White Christmas lights strung everywhere, give it an enchanted wonderland feel.

aLLEN

Your political banter needs a little work.

pRICILLA

You're right. Enough talk.

She gives him a sloppy kiss and grabs his package.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

Can the little Senator come out to play? I can get the oven mitts and the tongs.

Even though he's practically drooling, Allen pushes her away.

aLLEN

We can't. Dad will hear us. Besides, I couldn't pee right for a week the last time you used those tongs.

pRICILLA

God forbid we do anything scandalous. We wouldn't want to upset the President.

aLLEN

It wouldn't hurt for you to at least try to make a good impression.

pRICILLA

(Points to her sweater)

What the hell do you think this is? Do you think I like looking like an American flag with tits?

aLLEN

If you want to impress my dad, talk about America. Don't wear it. On second thought, don't talk. It gets us into trouble.

Pricilla checks her watch.

PRICILLA

We're going to be late. We'll do this later.

EXT. EASt hampton Town square - night

The center of town looks like a Norman Rockwell painting. Christmas lights and wreaths cover every quaint store front.

Rosy cheeked children pull sleds through the square. Christmas carolers sing holiday tunes. Couples skate arm in arm on the pond in the park.

A crowd has gathered at the base of a giant outdoor Christmas tree. A large banner above a stage reads "Tenth Annual Christmas Decorating Contest."

A local TELEVISION REPORTER interviews Pricilla in front of the camera.

T.V. REPORTER

I'm standing here with America's Domestic Diva and four time winner of the Annual East Hampton Christmas Decorating contest. Pricilla, what do think your chances are this year?

pRICILLA

It's all about tasteful decorations. And who can decorate better than me?

Mayor FRANK JACOBS, mid-fifties, watches Pricilla give her t.v. interview.

With his fat little body, and his top hat, Frank bears a striking resemblance to the Mayor of Munchkin City in the Wizard of Oz. He wears a button that says "Judge."

He's standing next to TED JOHNSON, early fifties. Ted wears a Santa Claus outfit and also has a "Judge" button.

frank

That bitch is going down this year.

ted

Absolutely. I don't give a shit how many holiday fruit baskets she sent us.

GLORIA SWINGER, early fourties, approaches Frank and Ted. She's dripping with jewelry and her face screams Botox. She also wears a "Judge" button.

gloria

It's time to announce the winner.

fRANK

Alright. So we're all in agreement?

gLORIA

Definitely.

tED

Hell yeah. Let's nail that bitch.

Frank, Ted, and Gloria take the stage. The carolers quit singing. The couples on the pond stop skating. Pricilla stops yapping at the news reporter.

It's absolute silence. All eyes and ears on Frank, who holds this year's trophy.

fRANk

This year was particularly tough. But, after careful consideration, we've decided on a winner.

Pricilla produces a huge, sparkling smile, as if she's already won.

pRICILLa

(To the reporter)

Make sure you shoot my good side when I walk up there.

fRANK

The winner of this year's Christmas Decorating contest is...

Pricilla struts towards the podium, waving at everyone. A spotlight follows her along with the t.v. cameras.

pRICILLA

Thank you all so much. You don't know how much it means for me to win this award. Again.

Pricilla walks across the stage and grabs the microphone and the trophy from Frank.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

I just want to thank the judges for once again recognizing my outstanding talent.

Frank pries the microphone and trophy out of Pricilla's firm grip.

fRANK

As I was saying. The winner of this year's contest is Wanda Holden.

The crowd cheers in roaring approval. Pricilla stands frozen like a deer in headlights. Cameras flash everywhere.

jACK

Now that's what I call American justice.

WANDA HOLDEN, mid fourties, emerges from the crowd. With her hair net and her yellow teeth, she looks like the Elementary School cafeteria lady that serves heaping piles of meatloaf.

Wanda's hairless Chihuahua "Elvis" follows close behind. He's a ratty little dog that wears a holiday doggie sweater.

Wanda takes the stage. Pricilla hyperventilates. Frank hands Wanda the microphone. Elvis growls at Pricilla.

wanda

I've prayed for this day. I always knew the good Lord would see fit to grant me victory. Thank you Jesus.

Wanda hands the microphone back to Frank. More applause.

fRANK

And our runner up is Pricilla Goodwin.

Mild applause. Frank hands her a dinky trophy. It's about a quarter of the size of Wanda's.

Pricilla throws the trophy out at the crowd. She storms off the stage. The cameras and reporters follow her.

t.V. REPORTER

This is a stunning upset. Pricilla how do you feel?

pRICILLA

No comment.

Pricilla pushes through the reporters to Didi.

dIDI

You were robbed. Demand a recount.

PRICILLA

Shut up and get the car. It's time we paid a visit to our good neighbor Wanda.

INT. Pricilla's car - LATER

Pricilla and Didi sit in a fancy SUV, parked across the street from Wanda's house. It's late. Not a soul stirring.

They're putting on black face paint. They're also wearing all black. Designer clothes of course. They look like a couple of high fashion commandos.

Pricilla looks through binoculars. She spies Wanda in her nightgown inside her bedroom kissing her shiny new trophy.

pRICILLA

That's my trophy. She's slobbering all over it.

She scans the yard chock full of obnoxious blinking lights, styrofoam candy canes, and plastic elves.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

How could they give the award to her? This place is like Christmas on acid.

dIDI

I kind of like it.

Pricilla flashes a look.

dIDI (CONT'D)

Of course, it's not nearly as stunning as your house.

The light in Wanda's bedroom clicks off.

pRICILLA

Time to commence Operation Grinch.

Pricilla puts on a black ski mask.

dIDI

I don't think this is such a good idea. What if we get caught?

pRICILLA

You're going. That's an order.

dIDI

Couldn't we just let it slide? I'm sure you'll win again next year.

pRICILLA

You're either with me, or I find a new assistant.

dIDI

Give me my mask.

EXT. WANDA HOLDEN'S HOUSE - night

Pricilla and Didi sneak into Wanda's front yard. Didi rips the lights down from the trees. Pricilla walks up to the creepy mechanical Santa waving his arm.

pRICILLA

Ho,ho,ho. Merry Christmas.

She punches the Santa in the face, and knocks his head clean off. The Santa head goes flying and hits the front porch. It makes quite a racket.

INT. Wanda's Bedroom - night

Wanda snores like a drunk fat man in her bed. She's clutching the trophy like a lover.

Her dog "Elvis" hears the noise outside and starts yapping. Wanda wakes up.

wANDA

Don't tell me you have to poop again. I knew I shouldn't have given you those Christmas cookies.

Then Wanda hears a faint rustling outside. Without turning on the light, she creeps over to the window.

She watches in slack jawed horror as two black hooded thugs kick her plastic elves into the street and stomp the styrofoam candy canes. Wanda looks at Elvis.

wANDA (CONT'D)

Attack.

The hairless Chihuahua scurries out of the room still wearing his holiday doggie sweater.

Wanda picks up the phone and dials.

wANDA (CONT'D)

911? It's an emergency. Two Christmas commandos are destroying my decorations.

EXT. waNDA HOLDEN'S HOUSE - night

Wanda's winter wonderland looks like its' been bombed. Every decoration has been disfigured or destroyed. Every last Christmas light has been snuffed out. Except one.

A Christmas star still blinks on top of a giant pine tree.

dIDI

Mission accomplished. Let's get out of here.

Pricilla stares at the star.

pRICILLA

Not yet.

Didi follows her gaze and sees the star fifty feet above.

dIDI

You can't be serious.

pRICILLA

Start climbing.

dIDI

Why me?

pRICILLA

Because you work for me. Now get your ass up there.

Didi slowly makes her way up the branches.

EXT. Wanda's back porch - night

Elvis shoots out of a doggie door like a rocket. As he sprints for the front yard the bells around his neck jingle.

EXT. wanda holden's front yard - night

Didi reaches the top of the tree. She's covered in tree sap. Pricilla sees the little dog charging towards her.

pRICILLA

You've got to be joking.

She turns her back on the dog, and looks up at Didi.

pRICILLA (CONT'D)

Hurry up. My feet are cold.

dIDI

(Mumbling to herself)

This abuse isn't worth fifty grand a year.

Suddenly the tiny dog leaps through the air and sinks its sharp little teeth into the back of Pricilla's head.

pRICILLA

Ow.

Pricilla tries to shake the dog off her, but he only growls and tightens his hold. She bangs her head into the tree, but the pooch still maintains his death like grip on her head.

Finally she rips the mask and the dog off her face. Elvis charges at her again. She runs, but slips on some ice and falls face first into some dog shit. Elvis claws at her.

Meanwhile, Didi stretches her arm out to grab the star. She almost reaches it, but the branch snaps and she falls. She hits each and every branch on her way down.

Pricilla finally grabs Elvis by his little sweater and chucks him into the headless Santa and his overturned reindeer. The dog is dazed, but not seriously hurt.

Pricilla and Didi look at each other bruised and battered. A light shines in their faces. It's a COP.

cop

Freeze. Hands where I can see them.

Pricilla and Didi slowly raise their hands.

pRICILLA

(To the cop)

Would you believe we were mugged by Santa Claus?

INT. EAST HAMPTON Police station - night

Pricilla looks like crap. Her hair is a tangled, muddy mess. Her face is scratched to hell, and she nurses a swollen eye. There's a little dog shit in her hair.

Officer FLOYD CARTWRIGHT, mid fourties, fingerprints her. His gut suggests he's seen more doughnuts than criminals.

pRICILLA

You can't do this to me. I'm the Domestic Diva. I'm loved by millions.

floyd

Yeah. My wife's a big fan. She has your cookbook. Let me tell you, that banana nut bread is divine.

pRICILLA

No, you don't understand. I'm not supposed to be here.

fLOYD

Just step in front of the camera there.

Floyd hands her a placard with her case number on it.

fLOYD (CONT'D)

But I have to admit, I didn't really care for the artichoke dip. Gave me gas.

He snaps Pricilla's mugshot.

pRICILLA

You're all making a big mistake. When my lawyer gets through with this police department, you'll be handing out tickets on bicycles.

fLOYD

Turn to the side please.

Pricilla turns to the side for her profile shot.

fLOYD (CONT'D)

My wife makes a tuna casserole that's to die for. The trick is to add a little cottage cheese for consistency.

pRICILLA

I demand to use the phone.

fLOYD

Do you think I could get an autograph for my wife?

EXT. East Hampton police station - night

Allen drags Pricilla out the front door of the station. Didi follows. Floyd stands in the doorway holding the autograph.

fLOYD

Thanks Ms. Goodwin. This is going to score me a lot of points with the missus.

Allen, Pricilla, and Didi climb into the limo.

INt. Limo - night

Allen slams the door.

aLLEN

What the hell were you thinking?

pRICILLA

They've trumped up the charges. It wasn't that bad.

aLLEN

Wasn't that bad? Trespassing, destruction of property, animal cruelty.

pRICILLA

Animal cruelty? Look what that ugly mutt did to me.

aLLEN

The media is going to crucify us.

Pricilla checks her scratches in her makeup mirror.

pRICILLA

Maybe that tinted toning cream will cover up these scratches.

dIDI

You should apply some cold cucumbers. Take down the swelling.

pRICILLA

Good idea.

aLLEN

We're in the middle of a huge scandal.

pRICILLA

Don't worry. I'll look like Mother Theresa at that courthouse tomorrow.

aLLEN

You're damned right you will. I'm not going to let this take us down.

pRICILLA

It won't. I have millions of adoring, loyal fans. By this time tomorrow they'll be selling "Save Pricilla" t-shirts.

EXT. east hampton courthouse - day

It's a media circus on the steps of the courthouse. News vans and satellites everywhere.

REPORTERS and COPS swarm the place. A large group of PROTESTERS throw Pricilla's cookbooks, home decorating guides, and magazines into a bonfire.

A female protester in her late fourties wears an "I Hate Pricilla" t-shirt. She leads the other protesters in a chant.

female Protester

Down with the domestic diva.

A limo pulls up. Allen, Pricilla, and Didi get out. The reporters scramble for a photo.

Pricilla's wearing more makeup than a local tv news anchor, but her wounds are still visible. She wears a no nonsense business suit.

t.V. REPORTER

Pricilla, what's your reaction to these charges against you?

Allen shoves the reporter out of the way.

aLLEN

Ms. Goodwin has no comment at this time.

The female protester makes her way through the crowd to Pricilla. She's followed by a MALE PROTESTER, early thirties. He wears a t-shirt that says "The Domestic Devil."

The female protester spits in Pricilla's face.

female protester

Your Christmas cookie recipe is a disgrace.

A cop pulls the protester away.

male Protester

Yeah, and your homemade candles suck.

Pricilla lunges at the protester.

pRICILLA

You ungrateful little --

Allen covers her mouth and drags her into the courthouse before she can take a swing.

INT. COURT room - day

Pricilla and Didi take a seat at the defense table with Pricilla's attorney, GRAYDON STARK, early fifties. He looks like the devil himself in a designer suit.

Wanda sits with the prosecutor, SAM NICHOLS. Sam wears an ill- fitting, rumpled suit that he probably bought on clearance.

Wanda's dog Elvis wears a little neck brace. He tries to lick his balls but can't reach.

PrICILLA

You're going to get us out of this right?

graydon

It doesn't look good.

pRICILLA

For five hundred dollars an hour I think you can handle Wanda.

gRAYDON

It's not her I'm worried about. It's the judge. We've got a real hard ass on our hands.

pRICILLA

What's his name?

gRAYDON

You mean her name. It's Balls. Bertha Balls.

pRICILLA

She can't be all that tough.

gRAYDON

In legal circles, she's known as the Ball Breaker. Last month she sent a kid to Riker's Island for spitting on the sidewalk.

pRICILLA

But I'm not a common thug. I'm a celebrity.

gRAYDON

She loves nailing celebrities.

didi

Why's she so pissed off at the world?

gRAYDON

Some people say that she was once a man.

pRICILLA

A sex change operation?

gRAYDON

Sort of. The surgeon botched the job. Now she's left with a perfect set of family jewels.

pRICILLA

Yikes.

graYDON

My advice is to plead guilty. They've got a solid witness.

pRICILLA

But we're not guilty.

dIDI

Yes we are.

pRICILLA

Shut up.

gRAYDON

You've got a big wedding coming up. You don't want an impending trial. Just plead guilty. The public will forgive you. Besides, the most Judge Balls could give you is a slap on the wrist and a fine.

The COURT BAILIFF, mid thirties, rises.

bAILIFF

Please rise for the honorable Judge Balls.

JUDGE BERTHA BALLS, early fifties, marches out of her chambers. No amount of makeup could hide her ugly mug.

Judge Balls scratches her crotch like a baseball player. She takes her seat and flips through the case docket.

pRICI